We Need Clint Eastwood

So Kelly's settling in just fine and I'm starting to see some habits forming. The guys smokes lots of cigarettes and drinks a lot of cheap beer. TNT, Cougar, Wildcat, Lucky. If he feels like splurging he'll drink a Labatt's Blue. His daily routine consisted of: sleeping in until 3ish in the afternoon, going to the corner store for cigarettes, going to the liquor store for beer and then coming home and watching TV in his room until 4 or 5ish in the morning. He'd noodle around on his guitar a bit here and there while watching TV, smoke cigarettes, come out to make something to eat, return to his room.

One day, after coming home from his daily vice-run, Kelly said that he'd like to change the answering machine. As it was, the message on the machine was some non-descript cryptic sound bite from something obscure. Probably funny back then but probably stupid now. I agreed, thinking that perhaps Kelly wanted to personalize it so that people would know that he lived there and that they got the right number. Perhaps perspective employers? I agree and re-record a message "Hey, you've reached Johnny and Kelly, please leave us a message and we'll get back to you as soon as we can. Thanks." Formal, basic and to-the-point. Kelly nodded with approval but there was something bothering him. "That's a good message and all," he says, "but I have one that's a million times better." "Okay, shoot!" as I clear the way to and gesture to the recorder that it's all his.

"Well, we can't just record it just yet! First, do you know anyone who sounds like Clint Eastwood? It's gotta be exactly like Clint or else it won't work." "No. I don't know. Maybe." "It's gotta be exact or it'll be a real bomb...I mean, I'm telling you, it's gotta be absolutely perfect for this to work. Close isn't even good enough! It's gotta be perfect or..." "What is it!??!?!" I interupt knowing that he could go on forever about this detail. "Well first you gotta get a guy who sounds EXACTLY like Clint Eastwood. Then, we gotta get that song from that old western, you know the one with the whistle..." and then he tries to SING, not whistle, but sing/vocalize the whistling melody to the theme to The Good The Bad & The Ugly, "...you know the theme song I'm talking about?" "yeah, the Good the Bad & The Ugly." "Nooo. I don't think that's it. It's like that but it's not quite that..." and then he vocalizes it again, then follows it up with a dry half-productive whistling rendition of it. "Yeah, that's the Good The Bad & The Ugly." "I don't think that's right, but you know the song I'm talking about right, it's a total classic." "Yeah, okay then what?" "So you take that song and it starts off, wee-ooh-wee-oh-waaaaaaaaa, wah-wah-wah, and then, you get the guy who sounds EXACTLY like Clint Eastwood to come up and say like Dirty Harry, 'Go ahead, leave a message.' CLASSIC!!! I'm tellin' ya, when people hear that they'll flip their lids! It's a total classic! But it's gotta be just like Clint or else it doesn't work."