Kelly Kumbaya

I was out with some friends at a gig one night. They were aware of my situation: I was desperate to find a roommate and the month was closing in fast. My friend Dave came up and said "There's a new guy in town from Montreal that's looking for a place to live but..." and with that he gave me a look that said "...there's just a smaaaaallll problem..."

"But what? What's that look?"
"eeeyeahh..." Dave continued to look at me with a hint of sympathy.
"Is he a good guy?"
"eeeyeahh..."
"Will he pay rent?"
"Oh yeah. He won't stiff you."
"Would he be good with my dog?"
"Yeah. It's just..."
"Just..."
"Well you have to meet him."

I agreed to meet with him. Kelly came to my house and, after showing him around, I suggested that we take my dog for a walk and get to know each other. I lived near the beach and he was fresh off the plane so I thought it would be a good chance to show off the west coast and our proximity to the water. As we walked we small talked. He seemed like a good guy, a bit odd, but a good guy. After walking for about a half-hour, I thought okay, we're both in a bind, but tiny alarm bells were ringing. One of the first things I noticed was that all he did was talk that anything I did or said, he'd have to interrupt me and then trump me. I forgave this kind of rudeness as it was an informal "interview" and I was sizing him up and trying to figure what kind of guy he was. Here's some of those first conversations:

me: "...and I lived in Toronto for about 4 years before..."
kelly: "yeah I lived in Toronto for 8. It was alright but alot of times..."

me: "...then when I started working for the record store I started to meet..."
kelly: "I worked at every record store you can think of. I was the best person in each of those places because I really knew my shit about EVERYTHING..."

me: "...and I'm trying to get into making music videos."
kelly: "Oh yeah, well I've done lots of those."
"Really? Like you directed them? Who?"
"Oh, tons of people in montreal. Voivod. Metal Church. You name it."
"Really? You directed those?"
"Yeah. I did everything. Sound, editing. Camera. Lighting, Pyro. EVERYTHING."

Wow. This last bit of information was kind of impressive I thought.

me: "You'll have to meet some of my friends 'cause we're trying to get into doing..."
kelly: "Yeah, when I get all my stuff set up I'll have to show you my demo reel."
"Yeah! Awesome!"
"Yeah, it's really awesome."

So with that, I considered the situation I was in and told him that if he liked the apartment he could move in. He accepted and I had 3 days of calm before the crazy storm rolled in.

Shine on You Crazy Diamond

So I was searching for a new roommate one day when I suddenly thought, "What about Oona?" She was a friend and we liked each other plutonically and I knew she liked my apartment and we got along well when out with friends so why not ask Oona? I phoned her up and she was ecstatic! She moved in it was all cool. Although Oona and I liked each other, there was one thing about Oona: she was a neo-hippy girl. I'm not really a hippy. I like the fact that they care about the environment and will take a stand on issues and everything but there's a limit to how much hippy I can take. Oona wasn't really really really flakey hippy, she did like some punk but deep inside she was hippy none-the-less.

When I thought about Oona moving in, I didn't have really any objections to any of her lifestyle choices but as soon as I realized how much dope she smoked it got me a little unnerved. Here was Oona's daily itinerary:

Wake up. Smoke a joint.
Get ready for class. Smoke a joint.
Morning break. Smoke a joint
Lunch. Smoke a joint
Afternoon break. Smoke a joint
Walk home from school. Smoke a joint.
Get home. Smoke a joint.
Cook dinner. Smoke a joint.
Try to put out disasterous fire. Smoke a joint.
Listen to music, do homework, watch TV. Smoke a joint.
Go to bed. Smoke a joint.

She was constantly baked. CONSTANTLY.

I don't have anything against pot. What bothered me was the fact that Oona almost burnt down the house 11 times because she'd forget that she was cooking something. We went through so many pans and pots because she would forget they were on the burner. Eventually, she decided to move out and get another place. Fine, I'll just get another roommate.

Roommate Needed:

I was living in a two-bedroom street-level apartment in an old house in Vancouver with a friend I had gone to college with. We had a good time together and got along really well. Our "building manager" who called himself "the Fridge" and he was a grouchy old dude. My roommate and I used to set our speakers at different ends of the apartment up along the wall which separated our apartment from "the fridge's" and put on different stereo sound fx CDs and leave the place. On one day The Fridge would be subjected to hours of plates breaking. The next day there were planes having dog fights. Construction. Cops shooting at robbers. Aliens beeping and booping. Our favourite was the bowling. The ball sounded like it would roll from one end and hit the pins at the other end. But our fun soon came to an end when his girlfriend moved to Vancouver, they decided to get their own place. They helped me look for an ideal roommate that would replace them and we found a guy named Peter. He seemed like a likable guy, and when we first met him, he was wearing an Iggy & The Stooges t-shirt so I thought, that he'd have good taste in music at least. Turns out that Peter turned out to be an alien from another planet. My friends actually called him the alien because he had no idea what or who anything was. He was a really awesome guy, nice and considerate and everything but he just was a bit clueless to pretty much anything.

For example: one day I was flipping through the channels and "Throw Mama From The Train" was on. I'm not a big fan of the movie and I can't stand Billy Crystal but there are some funny moments, so I was just watching it for a bit. Peter came along and asked what was on and I told him. He shrugged his shoulders and said his usual comment "Never heard of it." "Really? Never heard of it?" "Nope." "Billy Crystal..." "Who?" "What? Billy Crystal...never heard of Billy Crystal?" "Nope."

I'm not asking him to be a fan of Billy or anything as I can't stand him myself, but come on! You've got to at least heard of the man! Peter was like this for everything.

"Stir fry? Nope. Never heard of it."
"Bigfoot? Nope. Who's that?"

I could understand this if he was an exchange student but not only was he from Canada, he was a professional writer.

We both differed widely on many subjects and the two of us had very little in common. Eventually his girlfriend moved in and the two of them eventually decided to get their own place. Fine with me.

The two of them left and I was off looking for another roommate.